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Joke of the day
What is black red black red black red black red black red black red white ?
An negro masturbating.
-
Snooker is a complete Tory game; first of all you get rid of all the
reds; then you get rid of all the coloureds, and all you have left at
the end is the white.
-
A spaceship from the planet Zong lands in Farmborough.
It is the middle of the night - the town is deserted (not that
there's much happening in the daytime in Farmborough) as the
aliens (who are rather petrol - pump - like in their appearance)
descend from their ship.
They wander around for a while until they come across a garage
and what they percieve to be intelligent life - a petrol pump
(an easy mistake to make in Farmborough anyway). The chief Zong
greets the petrol pump.
"Greetings; I am Zong, a Zong from the planet Zong. We have come in
our spaceship, the Zong, to meet Earth people. Take me to your
cliche" (sorry, I mean leader.)
The Zong receives no reply, so he repeats his demand using shorter
words (he has heard that this usually works in Farmborough).
"Take me to your leader".
The petrol pump, unsurprisingly, says nothing.
By now, the short-tempered captain of the Zong is getting a bit annoyed at
being ignored. He levels his ray gun at the petrol pump, much to the
distress of his first mate, and demands,
"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, INSOLENT SCUM, OR I WILL BLOW YOU TO PIECES !"
Of course, the petrol pump remains silent; his shipmates try to
restrain him, but he fires. There is an almighty explosion as the
petrol pump bursts into a huge ball of flames and the
crew of the Zong are hurled hundreds of yards into the air. They
land in a nearby field with a bump.
"What the hell happened ?" shouted the Zong captain.
"I tried to warn you", replied the first mate, "You just don't mess with
a guy who can wrap his p**** around his waist and stick it in his ear."
-
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants
decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.
The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants
ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the
Elephants' goal mouth when the Elephants' left back came
lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant,
killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think
you're doing ? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing
another player ?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -
I was just trying to trip him up."
-
What do anabolic steroids and Hurricane Gilbert have in common ?
They make Jamaicans run like fuck.
-
Flopsy Bunny had never been out to see the real world. One day he
escaped from his parents' home... Bounce Bounce Bounce.
He had been bouncing along when he came across a young snake. Flopsy
Bunny had never seen a snake; the snake had never seen a bunny rabbit.
Said the snake
- Hello, you have lovely fluffy ears, a lovely little white tail and
lovely brown fur; you must be a bunny rabbit.
Said Flopsy Bunny
- That's very good. Let me see. You have horrible scaly skin, nasty
little slitty eyes and a horrible rasping voice. You must be Nikki
Lauda.
-
Two gynaecologists meet on a conference. As usual, they tell each other what
cases they have had the past year.
1: Well, I have had a patient with breasts, just like melons.
2: Incredible, so big?
1: Yes
2: But I had a patient with a clitoris, just like a lemon.
1: Waaw, so big?
2: No, so sour
-
I was driving through North Wales one day last summer, when I had
the misfortune to run out of petrol right out in the sticks.
It was about 5 miles to the nearest house, but when I got
there the farmer who lived in it was very hospitable and
offered to drive me back to my car with a can of petrol, as long
as I stayed to have a bite to eat first. I accepted grate-
fully, and upon entering the parlour I was amazed to see a pig
with a wooden leg reclining in a rocking chair, reading the "Cwm
Penmachno Evening Courier" and smoking a pipe. I asked the farmer
about this, and he said, "Oh, that's a fine pig. One day my
wife was just driving out of our gate onto the road when a
bloody great lorry which she hadn't noticed - we tend to forget
to look out for traffic up here, you know - came tearing along
and smashed into the side of her car. The lorry driver was
killed, and my wife was pinned into her seat. Some petrol was
leaking out of her tank, and the pig here could see that there
was a danger the car would go up in flames if he didn't do
something pretty quickly. So he leapt over the fence, sprinted
over to the car, wrenched the door off its hinges and pulled my
wife away just in time to save her from a horrible death".
"My goodness, that's certainly a very fine pig!" I ex-
claimed. "Now I can understand why you treat him so well. But
one thing is still puzzling me - tell me, how does he come to be
wearing that wooden leg?"
"Ah well", said the farmer, "when you've got a pig like that you
don't want to eat him all at once".
Free sex story
Audrey was on a mission. She had just finished work and hadn't had time for a decent meal all day. Her stomach growled at the stoplight as she re-applied her lipstick. She looked at herself in the rearview mirror and liked the sweetly dignified appearance she presented in her work clothes. She didn't know exactly where she was going but her hunger was leading her to the dangerous part of town. It was about 8:00 at night when she came to a stop in an abandoned lot. The area was a meeting place for homeless vagrants and drug-dealers and was widely avoided by respectable folks.
Audrey reached down and lightly fingered her pretty pink panties under her raised skirt as the engine cooled in the darkness. She had been parked for about twenty minutes when she caught sight of a very dirty looking man watching her from his refrigerator box. Her manicured finger found her clitoris through her expensive underwear and she teased it lightly as she watched the man fully emerge from his rat's nest and shamble forward to his feet. He had shaggy black hair and a beard. His clothing was filthy and she doubted he had bathed in weeks. As he stood there watching her, she saw that he was thin but with a large frame. Audrey straightened up as she saw him walking towards her car and she rolled down her window.
Standing next to her open window the homeless man said nothing. He simply stared down into the seat where her skirt rode high on her stockinged thighs. Audrey stared back at him assessing the grime and filth and the stink that surrounded him like horrible bat wings. Her cute little nose bunched up slightly at the smell.
Acting only on primitive instinct, the man began to undo the front of his tattered pants and lower them. His once-white briefs came into view, stretched tightly by the enormous club of his swollen penis. He stayed like that. allowing the pretty suburban woman to see his need as it throbbed evilly in his underpants. It was now Audrey's turn to act on instinct and she slowly reached out with trembling hands to take the elastic waistband of his briefs in her fingers and pull them downward. When his cock came into view, Audrey reared back a bit- frightened by what she saw. Her wide eyes took in the sight of his dirty, filthy penis as it bobbed stiffly in front of her face. She estimated it at about nine inches long and so big and thick that she doubted her fingers would fit around it. Hanging down between his legs, his giant balls were visibly releasing steam into the air from the heat that permeated from them. His entire crotch was covered in sweat and piss soaked black pubic hair that framed the beast's big cock.
They both knew what was to happen next, although Audrey herself was very nervous about her next course of action. However, despite his awful odor and appearance, the homeless man seduced her with the hypnotic display of his huge dickhead waving in her face. She couldn't tell if he was leaning it into the car window or if she had begun to lean out, but eventually the hot, spongy cockhead made contact with her face. It stank of sperm and mansmells and made her feel lightheaded. It left an oily residue against her smooth cheek and she inhaled sharply at the sensation. Her nipples where hard against the cups of her sensible white bra. She turned her mouth to the big penis and gave it a big kiss that left lipstick smeared across the head. The man groaned deeply. This time she did lean forward as she took the huge penis into her open mouth and savored the taste of unwashed stiff cock. She basked in the feminine power she suddenly felt over this wretch of a man. This man who only knew of the boiling need that burned inside his big balls. The need that this clean, pretty woman would take care of. with her sucking mouth.
He pushed himself forward, issuing an animalistic grunt and Audrey teased him by accompanying him with a cute, girlish whimper. Her throat slowly filled up with the huge cockmeat until she felt his bushy black pubic hair tickling her nose. His gigantic scrotum rested hotly against her chin and they both stayed frozen in place as the big dick throbbed powerfully inside her mouth. Then, she slowly slid her lips back down the length of him until they caught on the flared ridge of his big dickhead where she stayed to suckle hungrily like a baby with a pacifier. Despite her prim appearance, Audrey was a skilled cocksucker who could have teased and pleased this pervert for hours, but she had another reason for being there. Her stomach growled again as she reached tentatively up to take his large hairy scrotum in her small hand. Still suckling on the big head, she squeezed his hot balls and was rewarded by a grunt and syrupy spill into her mouth. She swallowed it down greedily and began her downward descent to deepthroat him again.
The dirty man could not believe his good fortune and didn't really understand her motivation. He only knew that he had a pretty girl-mouth to fuck and was going to blow an enormous wad soon. He humped into her car window, jacking himself off into her face as she continued to tease and squeeze his big swollen testicles. The almost, animalistic smells coming from his crotch reminded Audrey of the jungle and her primal lust was stoked further by the feel of his cock lurching in her throat. Her eyes grew large as she realized that he was going to cum now. She struggled to release him from her sweet mouth and succeeded at the last instant. The man was frozen in place, every muscle tensed to blast his load into his cocksucker's mouth. Without being touched, his big dick began to shoot huge ropes of extremely hot cream from his balls. The first spurt hit Audrey square in the face, with a sizeable glob going up her nose. The white semen bubbled from her nostril as she choked from the surprising volume of it. Her wide-opened mouth was filled to the brim by the next copious wad that landed with audible plops. His balls were contracting repeatedly like a cobra spitting venom as more and more sperm was ejaculated into Audrey's mouth and onto Audrey's face. She savored the thick cream as it flowed down her throat and made a hot, satisfying lump in her belly. She bathed the penis in soft little kisses, cleaning it at the same time she thanked it for its offering. Another big spurt went across her forehead and streaked her hair with white slime. She thought to herself that he probably hadn't cum this good in some time. She fisted the penis and was rewarded with a final huge ejaculation that covered her tongue in hot, gooey sperm. She squished it around in her mouth, her cheeks bulging from the amount of cum.
As she swallowed the last of his powerful load, she gave a feline purr of satisfaction. She hugged the large penis to her face and rubbed it up and down to savor his smell and texture one last time before smiling her goodbye and raising her window. As she drove away, she looked back in the rearview mirror to see him standing there with his pants and underwear at his ankles and his still big cock hanging out. She made a mental note to come back again for further feedings.
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